I was inspired to ruminate on Mantis shrimp because I’m learning how to scuba dive in Indonesia, and these crustaceans are some of the most beloved denizens of Asian tropical reefs.

Also, I’ve loved them for a long time, and the realization that SOON I WILL BE ABLE TO GLIDE AMONG THEM AS A MEMBER OF THEIR KIN is sort of intoxicating. (Not because of the Oatmeal. Really).

Anyway, here are some Mantis shrimp videos.

I don’t have any pictures of Mantis shrimp because 1. I do not actually know how to scuba dive yet, or at least I’m not certified and 2. Purchasing a casing for my trusty Canon DSLR will cost as much as the annual GDP of Albania, or at least that’s what I’ve been led to believe. So don’t go expecting that any time soon. Someday.

This makes me wish I was a Mantis shrimp. Consider: the life of a Mantis shrimp consists of: burrowing quietly in warm dens, then leaping out to grab and messily devour crabs and shrimp.

These are all things I like doing: lurking in warm places, eating seafood, and startling people. And being a jerk.

I would be a great Mantis shrimp.

As I’m not going to become a Mantis shrimp anytime soon, I propose a chain of novelty seafood restaurants, where waiters will dangle hamburgers and chicken legs from fishing lines over a series of holes cut into the ground. Patrons will be encouraged to leap out of them and seize their food, then bring it back into their temporary lair for messy consumption. Also their will be fountain beverages.

Yeah, I know, I’d better make sure I get that licensed immediately.

I had no idea that a long-standing deathly enmity between octopi and Mantis shrimp exist, but apparently it does, and even a blue ring octopus isn’t able to withstand punches-to-the-face that are delivered with the force and authority of a 22. caliber pistol. I should also add that this is among the most beautiful death matches I’ve ever witnessed.

I would totally watch more MMA if it was this pretty — although WWE wrestling does have a certain amount of remarkable, staged natural camouflage and pageantry as compared to its more austere and violent cousin.

There’s a really obscure masters thesis in there somewhere.

At 4:14 and onwards, I feel the translated Mimic Octopus dialogue would sound something like this:

OH SHIT OH SHIT A MANTIS SHRIMP

OH SHIT IT SAW ME WHAT IS EVEN YOUR DEAL

GOD MAN WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM – LOOK, OK I’M A ROCK

A FRIENDLY AQUATIC ROCK THAT IS SWIMMING AWAY FROM YOU

some fucking people, man