North Korea Video Hi-Lites: Kim Jong-Il’s Only Public Speech, Dear Leader Impersonators

The Dear Leader only gave one public speech during his time as ruler of North Korea, and it wasn’t exactly lengthy. In fact, all he said was “Long Live the Heroic Korean Army,” according to journalist Nate Thayer, who was present at the time.

It’s kinda like the King’s Speech,  but 80% less touching.

Gentleman: are you short, squat, and toad-like? Capable of rocking a pompadour and push-up shoes? Have I got a growth industry for you. It’s like Elvis without the singing or charisma.

I’m not entirely sure WHY Kim Jong-il lying in state in a glass coffin reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. Trying not to read into it too much. I love the quavering voice of the commentator. Also, the “Circa 1942-2011” insignia on the coffin, in case you were confused.

Kim Jong-Un looks absolutely terrified. I would be too if I were him. He reminds me of nothing more than that nerdy fat kid in middle-school who drew anime cartoons at his desk all the time and refused to make eye contact with other people. And now he’s suddenly running a nuclear power. At least there’s perks. Running the DPRK comes with perks.

It would be remiss to leave the now-classic Vice Guide to North Korea out of this post, I reckon. One wonders if the DPRK’s supposed legion of highly-advanced computer hackers have figured out the dark art of Google when it comes to screening visitors – hell, Myanmar has got that one under control.

If you are reading this, North Korean hackers, let me say I have nothing but admiration for your beautiful country, and would love to visit soon so I can say all kinds of snarky things about it. Regards.

 

 

Incredibly Overwrought North Korean Mourning, Rumination on the Future

No one can mourn like a North Korean. At the very least, no one can PRETEND to mourn like a North Korean.

In a country where not writhing on the ground overcome with emotional pain over the loss of a political icon may land you in a freezing work-camp, the ability to weep on command is a survival tactic.

Than again, all that overwrought weeping may not be faux for many present in the thousands laying flowers at the just-about-religious shrines to the younger and elder North Korean despots.

This is a nation where party messages are broadcast into your house via loudspeaker, party portraits must be kept spit-and-polish clean lest you be reported to authorities with the power to ruin both your own life and the life of everyone you love, and where every good thing that happened in the past hundred years can be directly ascribed to the North Korean leadership.

It’s likely at least some of these people really do feel as if the entire world they knew and trusted has come to a grinding, horrible halt.

Barbara Demick’s account of North Korea’s mass-grief over the passing of Kim-il Sung is excellent – and the overwrought, often forced hysterical grief she describes seems to be being repeated with the death of his Bond Villain like son. (Except not one of the cool Bond villains).

Now, the world waits with bated breath to see what happens next. Will sucessor Kim Jong Un take an even more extremist path and take on the world in an attempt to prove he’s a worthy successor?

Of course – the non-entity Kim Jong Un, merely 27 and apparantly even less charismatic than his father (who did have some dark, nerdy semblance of style) will probably be controlled behind the scenes by some savvy handlers until he either attains some margin of independent spirit.

Either that, or we can await a military coup – which may be either good or bad for the rest of the world, depending on who comes to power in that particular shuffle – or (less likely) some sort of profound liberalization of the DPRK.

South Korea watches from behind the DMZ, perhaps thinking “Oh, Christ, are the hillbillies going to finally want back in?” Reunification will be both economically and culturally brutal for both nations—but then again, the starving, belagured people of North Korea deserve better. They’ve been suffering long enough.

I should add that if allegations that the 1990’s famine killed 2 million in North Korea are true – and I’m inclined to believe, though North Korea isn’t talking even if they DO know – well, that’s a human tragedy on par with the deaths that occurred under the Khmer Rouge.

Maybe the DPRK is a *little* less execution happy – but slow deaths by starvation and overwork in prison camps? Is that really much better than being shot in the head? It’s a dark question, but one the leadership of North Korea would, in a better world, have to answer.

YouTube Reacts to Death of Kim Jong Il, as World Mourns Death of Punchline

As Kim Jong Il’s death permeates the public consicouness, expect public displays of exceptional cheesyiness for at least the next month out of North Korea. And public upheaval. Lots of political upheaval.

The response of my fellow foreign policy nerds? TAKE TO THE INTERNET, BRETHREN.

I am accepting educated guesses (or total guesses) vis a vis when Kim Jong Il actually died. Considering the North Korean’s penchant for big and orchestrated announcements of the death of leaders, I suspect the Dear Leader has been on ice for at least a week, perhaps longer. I await news of plans for the embalming with bated breath. (Does anyone do that anymore? We’ll find out soon.)

I will add that the number of tribute videos to the Dear Leader on Youtube – some set to “I’ll Be Watching You” – is already truly impressive. One of the era’s finest punchlines has died.

Some  maintain Kim Jong Il in fact died of roneriness.

There are also some concerns that he in fact passed following complications from a rap battle with Hulk Hogan.