Angry 9-year-olds on the Internet and Hello Kitty: How We All Began

Via the glorious Hello Kitty Hell.

A man deeply fed up with our universal, oppressive Cute Culture humorously defaces some Hello Kitty coloring pages over at Hello Kitty Hell. His wife: not amused. The Internet: amused. 

Well, most of the Internet. If you amble to the comments section, you’ll find what appear to be genuine offended 9 and 10 year-olds demanding something be done about this horror:

Shakeia Jenkins says:

Yall are crazy this is not funny please block your site from these horrible pictures.

emily says:

these pictures are ugly i think that is mean to the creaters of hello kitty!!!!! PS I HATE THIS WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gabby says:

This is stupid,dumb,and unbelievable that grown people would do this!I am 10 and love hello kitty!I agree with emily and shannon

hellokittyhellHATER says:

you idiot get a life!!! hello kitty is not like this!!! so stop hating on hello kitty and go get a life, you dumb piece of crap…hating hello kitty doesn’t take you anywhere!!! Screw you, hello kitty is more successful than you will ever be.

leah says:

you shouldnt do that about hello kitty
i am 9 and you better take that back

I could write a book on this, but I am endlessly amused by how the Internet allows people of all age groups to express petulant rage anonymously. When once young children maybe threw rocks at cars or TPed Boo Radley’s house to express their juvenile displeasure or offense, now, they take to the Internet. (Works better if Mommy and Daddy have not adopted the Big Brother technique of parenting-which is admittedly, awfully common in this sadly constrained day and age).

I remember the first time I flamed someone, at the tender age of 8. Maybe I was 9. It was around 1998.

I spent a lot of time playing computer games, and I was especially fond of “Oddballz,” a simulation game where you cared for (and were also allowed to comically torture) mutated 3D pets.

I was interested in modding my creatures, because I was a massive nerd. In fact, the kind of child who had just perhaps programmed the computers in my pissed-off third grade teachers room to make juicy, unctuous fart noises whenever you used the keyboard.

This creature could make me very angry when I was 8.
.And so I found my way onto forums devoted to the game – doubtlessly populated by other prepubescent people pretending to be 13, and probably a couple of early-era creepers. Someone said that their favorite pet was the Dynaroo, which resembled a purple and green kangaroo llama thing which hopped a lot and made funny noises.

I thought that was total bullshit, since I was partial to the Modvark, which sort of resembled an orange coyote with a hunched up, leopard-spotted butt, and made different funny noises. Also, I was 9, and when things are total bullshit when you’re 9, you feel this with an acute, searing pain that is hard to replicate when you enter adulthood, unless you are dumb enough to go into party politics.

I signed onto the forum and called the Dynaroo loving offender a “jackass,” which was at the time the nastiest word I both knew and felt comfortable airing in a private place. I hit submit. I immediately closed the browser window, in mortal fear my parents would find out I was using the Demon Phrase on the Internet. (Not that they would have cared in particular, but 8-year-olds are paranoid). I giggled to myself.

That idiot will never know that a 8 year old called them a jackass on the internet, I thought to myself, gleefully. On the Internet, no one knows you’re a dog. Or a 8 year-old with a grudge.

There was a time when this was hilarious.

And so began my career of snarking on the Internet for pay. I moved on to Barney hate forums (something you did to prove you were a veritable 9-year-old AARP recipient). And then I moved on to hating anime, then I started liking anime and began hating popular music, and then I hated George W Bush, and then I hated everything that had ever had the fucking pique to breathe on this planet because I turned 14. The list goes on, and will always go on, because I shall always derive extreme personal pleasure from hating things.

So I applaud these tender, offended Hello Kitty loving youth. They have, perhaps for the first time, hated something on the Internet and said so. They are well on their way into an interesting career in criticism. We must all start somewhere, and our modern pundits will doubtless begin by getting pissed off about the wanton abuse of cartoon characters on the Internet. It is superior to their viewing porn.

Did Gore Vidal mail an angry letter on glorious letterhead about Mickey Mouse to Disney when he was 8? Did Joan Didion ever complain in extremely icy, curiously controlled scrawl at age 9 about Archie Comics? Maybe. I certainly hope so.

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