The Frontgate Catalog Mocks Your Economic Pain

There is another crass, capitalist catalog out there, beyond the well-known horrors of four-figure Williams Sonoma hen houses. There is another. There is…Frontgate.

Unlike Williams Sonoma, as was so masterfully described earlier this month at Deadspin, Frontgate caters to the wealthy person who does not have pretensions of living in a rustic French estate. No, Frontgate caters to a different sort of market: that particular sector of fabulously wealthy men that still harbor pleasant memories of watching Tom Hanks run around F.A.O Schwartz in “Big.”

It is unfortunate that Williams Sonoma and Frontgate allow these catalogs to be disseminated so widely. Viewed through a certain lens, these are documents that could incite a potential class-based riot like no other: Let Them Eat Cake, or Let Them Buy Comical Novelty Pool Tables For More Than A Fast Food Workers Annual Income.

When the time comes, when we find the bodies of investment bankers in rivers, they will have pages from the Frontgate catalog stuffed into their mouths. And we will know that it has begun. 

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Provides an easy way to identify who will be First Up Against The Wall. You know, that “financially minded” man. The one whose Hair Was Perfect.

If you see a man wearing these cufflinks, who is also drinking a pina colada and has perfect hair, he is probably a werewolf. 

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In case you were wondering if your current vastly reduced financial circumstances aren’t all Just A Game to a certain subset of the population, allow the Frontgate catalog to remove all doubt.

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For the man who has everything, but desperately wishes he could play a rousing game of pool inside of a lovingly dismembered 1965 Shelby Gt — for considerably more than what I suspect an actual Shelby GT cost back in the 1960s. Presumably can also be used as a staging-ground for a rousing round of cocaine-off-the-rump of a Ukrainian prostitute.

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Frontgate caters to the type of captain of industry that cherishes his quotidian memories of playing primitive video games “at the Pizza Parlor,” years and years before he made all that money, before the game he played began to play him back, back when the world seemed limitless and kind. I like to imagine the buyer of this game playing it alone after he gets back at 10:00 PM from the office, a tumbler of whiskey in one hand. The music plays the same as it ever did, and he jerk the levers. But the joy is not there. The joy has gone forever.

This is probably wishful thinking on my part.

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An elegant addition to your home movie theater and arcade emporium, at least if you’re a 12 year old super genius Internet magnate.

If you purchase this item and are not a 12 year old super genius Internet magnate, you may consider re-evaluating your life.

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Standard fooz-ball tables are for the weak, the takers, the miserable shreds of humanity that make eye contact with you when you decide to slum it at Target. The activity must be elevated. The activity must cost at least $20,000. (Addendum: I believe you could virtually buy something like this in “The Sims.” Which was very exciting when I was actually 12).

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Storing your cash with your iPhone in a flashy case (con mirror!) is something that would only ever occur to a human with absolutely no expectation of getting mugged.

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I remember seeing these in catalogs when I was seven and wondering if 1. people actually had “home movie theaters” and 2. if people actually bothered to buy these expensive popcorn machines. I grew up and encountered a couple homes where people actually did have these things, which were never used and often pressed into service as impromptu shelves for clothes. I am led to believe the only people who have ever actually used these popcorn makers in history are The Help.

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A resting spot for your imported Norwegian Wifflehound, or convenient housing for unpaid interns — it’s your choice!

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It’s actually difficult to write a humorous caption for an advert for a $10,000 custom Santa Claus doll. One contemplates the spirit of giving that both Christmas and Santa exemplify – how much are these workers churning out Santa Claus dolls that cost as much as a used car getting paid, anyway? One thing is clear: This is why they hate us. Specifically, this. 

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